How familiar are you with your body? What is the appropriate age to begin "knowing" your body? Is there an appropriate age to discover or rediscover? When thinking about children discovering their body I think of babies putting their feet in their mouth, toddlers learning the different terms for their body (hand, foot, hip, nose), or looking at themselves in the mirror. Aside from these forms of physical body exploration, after childhood it seems that our culture neglects these sort of self-discovery rituals. Why? It seems that people will label one another by their appearances. In that judgment they can only perceive the physical aspects of each other. Is there more to us than just the body? What sort criticism does a person face when attempting to explore this kind of self-discovery?
When I was a child I was amazed when I began to discover my physical body. I would look in the mirror and say "that's me!" I would repeat this over and over again, "That's me! No wait, THAT'S ME!" I was fascinated by the reality of what I looked like along with an inner thought that kept repeating "This is what Michael looks like," and I would respond in amazement, "wow!"
Last year I wrote in my sketchbook about this form of exploration. I mentioned how in this body ritual I would see my body as having different components. I would speak to each part as though it was alive with a mind of its own. I wrote, "When I was discovering my body...This is my big toe. I am touching my big toe. Hello toe! How are you today?" This practice would give me a chance to develop a special relationship with myself and my body; and I would begin familiarizing myself with my physical makeup, celebrating my physical existence. I painted an abstract watercolor piece to describe this exploration.
When talking about "seeing" yourself it is also important to discuss what identity is and how there is more than one level of it. There are many ways for a person to obtain an identity. We have physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual mechanisms to do this. We have our bodies, which relates to physical identities. If I were sitting in a chair, speaking in only physical terms, I am only my body while the chair is the chair. I do not physically become the chair when I'm sitting in it. We can identify emotionally with feelings that we're currently experiencing or feelings we once had. Through empathy and compassion we can identify with feelings that others are experiencing. We have an intellectual identity. We associate ourselves with ideas, concepts, and/or theories. While communicating with someone who holds intellectual interests similar to our own, we can identify through our interests, the dialogues and conversation, and by associating our understanding with their own. People identify with spiritual and religious beliefs and/or practices. The idea here is that there are so many ways for a person to develop their identity. This goes far beyond just our physical body.
Knowing that our identities are composed of a complex amount of factors, can our physical body fully represent our non-physical self? I'm not sure that it is possible, yet it appears to be that in today’s society there is a superficial demand to be labeled by our appearances. We generally are not taught to look beyond the body; we're taught only see the flesh and its fashion. We do not practice seeing each other’s authentic and complete self. There is so much to see inside our existence alone, and if you’re bored, there’s a whole world of other people to discover. There is so much to see; an endless supply of identity that is constantly evolving and changing every moment of our existence.
My amazement with my body is that it doesn't appear to physically represent the being that I supposedly am. I am growing and changing all the time. Does my body show it to a point where it is noticeable? If it did I’m not sure if it would matter; I’m implying that mastery of understanding identity doesn’t seem possible or necessary. My focus is more mindful of the endlessness and ever changing aspect. I desire to celebrate the constant variety found in identity rather than try to hold onto one singular face. I wish to know myself, my existence, in every body that it embodies.
If I were to adapt to the cultural norm and look at my physical self in a traditional American sociological perspective, then compare that to my personal self-image, my response would be, "wow that's me." You could interpret that comment to a sarcastic tone where I'm saying, "Wow that's me? Is this how the world sees me? It's funny because that sure isn't how I see me." Please don’t misinterpret the statement to be a negative comment about my self-image, as I am not displeased with my body or my appearance. I realize that I am not perceived by the world in the same way I see myself. By simply acknowledging this; I see that acknowledgment as a way of embracing my body, even when it doesn’t visually represent all that I am. The body is limited to the flesh and only that which is physical. It cannot fully represent me. By embracing the limited body, the comment then becomes, “This is my body. This is what I’ve got. This is what the world sees. I know that I am more than this.”
I cannot change my body. No amount of plastic surgery or exercise will ever shape my body into the being that I truly am. It's like asking, what does the face of a poet look like? At first we can attach visual symbolism to our idea; maybe a poet wears a French hat, always has a pen and paper in hand, stares out into the clouds often. Yet there is no physical form to represent true intelligence. We can observe intelligent decisions demonstrated in design of products, placements, arrangements, word choices, and so on, but this observation is only observing the results of the intelligence and not the intelligence itself. This is so because intelligence is not physical, therefore it cannot have a physical face.
With my camera, and the right kind of music, I explored myself with semi-nude (shirtless) photographs. My intention was to photograph myself. The body does not change, but the forms that it takes does. I take photos of myself often. The photos serve me in many ways. At times they are a reflection of my feelings. They can be a narrative of the current moment. They can be my visual language of expressing my desire for intimacy. They can represent a desire to be seen seriously through the facial expressions created. For the most part, they are a continuation of the self-discovery body ritual. When I look at them I see a part of me. Through taking multiple images, it is intended that the viewer begins to see a complexity of characters, and through more exposer they begin to understand there is 'so much' to this being. They are not meant to define me other than from moment to new moment. The deeper implication is, 'I am all of these things, and more.'
When developing the nerve to take these photos there is so much criticism I must face. There is a responsibility that comes with these photographs, even when they are only semi-nudes. It starts with the association towards pornography. In no way should these photographs be classified as pornographic, but the words "nude" or "naked" can immediately cover the intention of self-love and appreciation that is being attempted. These photographs hold a very specific intention. It is easy to misunderstand that and only see the physical side of things. It is easy to miss the intention if there is no interpretation presented.
I admit to taking nude self-portraits, but such photos are only intended for my own eyes and for the practice of "seeing" myself. For me, there is a reality that exists in nudity. It reveals a side of me that is not normally shown. At times while taking the photos self-consciousness settles in. I could see my naked body a hundred times in the mirror, yet a photograph can offer an entirely different experience. I forget what I look like. Years can go by, and I forget my scars, bumps, hair, freckles, and height. The body transforms physically and metaphorically. This can be a concern. Without the right kind of guiding influences, who teach us to love and embrace our personal being, it becomes easy to fall into traps of our own minds that tell us we are flawed.
If you go to MySpace and do a browse for males between the ages of 18-32 in a 20 mile radius of almost any zip code you are practically guaranteed to find profiles of shirtless men. With such strong social influences that possess sexual connotations, self-embracing rituals drown with their loving intentions into an ocean of superficiality. For those who are daring enough to expose themselves, even when having sexual intentions, they too face a reality that viewers will see their flesh yet will never see more than the sexual individual being presented. There are also those who have wanted to have the courage to expose themselves for so long yet can barely bring themselves to look into the mirror. I wonder what needs to happen to help people be comfortable with their flesh. Although my original intended audience of my photographs was myself, I share them to reveal my discoveries found in this self-love.
The photographer Duane Michals shot a series of 5 photographs titled Narcissus. The image depicts a nude male who discovers his reflection in a pond. Through the black and white series the model begins to reach out towards his reflection until his hand meets the water and the ripples created distort the illusion.
The perspective I take towards the presented character is a man in love with his beauty. The narcissism in this case comes in the belief that beauty is in the flesh. I interpret the character's intentions of self-love to be shallow. I could be way off as there are a million ways to interpret this piece. Interpretations can change with new influences.
Instead of making a concrete decision about narcissism, the idea was to associate how intentions can be drowned when we flood our perception with the illusion of how things appear; in turn we forget to listen and simply observe.
To be comfortable with my body is quite a challenge. When appreciating myself with photography I can be accused of narcissism. I can be labeled to having sexual intentions or even be seen on the extremes of pornography. Superficially speaking, I have the media to compete with; muscular models with glossy biceps. Internally I am conflicted with my body's inability to represent my non-physical identities. I am challenged by my own self-consciousness and forgetful mind of what I actually look like, as opposed to what I remember looking like. With so many conflicting and contradicting factors, created by society and myself combined, it is not easy to defend my intention to love myself. People don't seem to realize I’m taking care of myself when I do this. These images are created from a deep and introverted place. The tone is very serious and quiet. Whatever/whoever I am, I wanted to express and celebrate myself like this. They capture a piece of my introversion.
